WHEN THE HEART IS BIGGER THAN THE BODY
If I were to compose a piece of music that would translate the love I feel from this woman, I would need strings made of rare and precious metals that live in the bodies of instruments found in Lord of The Rings and played only in a cathedral of another world. If I were a painter, I would need a studio and a canvas bigger than an air hanger to capture the incredible joy and healing she has given to my heart. As for now, all I have are these words on this screen and I have confidence knowing these words will be enough for her to be that work of art or that piece of music, because she, “gets me.”
We’re getting ready to move out of state and far away from my family that has been the greatest threat to the wellbeing of my children and I and almost destroyed us. During the peak of their attempts of almost complete destruction, I randomly met a really nice guy and we became fast friends. The timing couldn’t have been better, because we both kind of needed a real friend. He had an extra room where I could be safe; when I couldn’t get back to my home on an island, when I worked on the mainland.
I’ve been writing a lot lately, because of this pandemic and something that happened around Mother’s Day with my own family. It opened the flood gates of grief and release. I’ve written a lot about it lately. I don’t want to fill this story up with those thoughts though, because there’s also been another beneficial tributary of emotions. I have been almost completely released from my family trauma and left with a deluge of GRATITUDE! But it wasn’t easy, it wasn’t necessarily spontaneous and it would have never happened without the people that love me, especially Elaine.
When I hear people speak lovingly of their mothers, it’s like hearing a foreign language. I can’t make sense of any of it. I don’t recognize any of the words or their meaning. When my friend Mike spoke of his Mom, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to meet her. Could someone like her really exist? I have great relationships with my friend’s moms, but none of them can really be spoken of the way Mike speaks about his Mom. My kids will never be able to speak of me in that way and that’s okay. Despite my inability to relate, I developed a kind of blind affection for this woman that would be visiting and eventually needing the room I was staying in.
I knew she would be coming from Palm Springs to our chilly Western Washington weather, so I got flannel sheets for the bed. I loved her before I ever met her and I wanted her to be warm, like a hug. The way Mike’s stories of her kind of gave me the warm fuzzies. The way her paintings are filled with warm colors.
There’s been a lot of moments in my life when I have felt incapable of receiving love and there’s been many times, I find older women to be intimidating. As if I lack the equipment, never developed the receptors, missing the chromosome for it and it’s written on my forehead. I come from a long line of unloving women. My mother is unloving to say the least and she becomes more and more like her mother as she ages. My paternal Grandmother was unloving towards the end of her life and I was never the favorite of any of my aunts. I had no clue what mother/daughter affection felt like. Affection used to not only be uncomfortable for me to receive, but also to give to my own daughters. I didn’t know what it felt like, looked like, sounded like…. I had no reference. I just knew it existed and that it was only for the people that deserved it and I was never going to be one of them and my children were doomed for having me as a mother.
When I first met Elaine, I doubted anyone could really be that kind and be that genuinely loving towards me, so immediately. It was really uncomfortable for me, but I knew I had to let her in. I knew there was something there for me to learn that would benefit me as a woman and as a Mom, but I had no idea what it would be. I believe in soulmates, guardian angels, and star seeds and I think she quite possibly could be all three of these things. The hardest thing about all of this was learning to believe that she really loves me, just the way I am. I never had to jump through any hoops, show grand gestures of appreciation, carry out life threatening tasks to prove my worthiness, or sacrifice my self-respect for her benefit, the way I was expected to by my own family. She loves me without measure or condition.
Most recently, Elaine shared a story I wrote and that tipped me over the edge in the most amazing way, as if she hadn’t already. I realized what is so special about her. Well, there’s many wonderful special things about her, but this was a defining moment. Imagine what an adoption day would feel for an orphan and that is how it felt. When I saw that she shared one of my stories, it was the first time I felt like someone, like a parent, was truly proud of me. Not because it made them look good, or gave them some kind of social clout. Just proud of me, for being me.
That’s when I realized, Elaine’s heart is much bigger than her body. It’s big enough for me and for my girls and for Mike and Tiffany and many others that I don’t know. I have a home in her heart and it feels like everything I could ever want and need in this lifetime. With that feeling, I feel like everything is always going to be ok…. always!
I was raised to believe I had to suffer for everything and the only way to get to a better place was to hate myself out of the place I was in. I have been longing to write and to get these things out of my heart and mind for years, but they could never find their way out. I never felt like a whole person. I never felt like I had anything to offer my children. I was raised to believe I was only worth the tasks I performed and how well I did them. When I couldn’t complete a story or write something I felt, I hated myself more, trying to force it out of me. When all this time, the key to opening that gate was love the whole time.
This pandemic may be just the beginning and if it is, I’m ready. The answer or solution to the woes of the world, or even the woes of your own little orbit are not found in a bank account or a title or the car you drive. The answer to everything truly is love. The kind of love from someone, who may not be your biological mother. May not be someone you’ve known for very long, but someone that makes you feel loved and that you will always have a home in their heart. And in that heart home, you are perfect just the way you are at any given moment.
